How long has it been since I last wrote? Too long. Sorry to all my followers, though you’ve probably just forgotten about me.
I’m out of Korea, back in Aus, having some personal struggles and settling back into my old life.
Something happened on my Japan trip - I met someone truly amazing who I’m pretty much in love with, now my first boyfriend. Never having felt so strongly about someone else before though is bringing some trouble. Mostly I’ve been dealing with feelings of insecurity and inadequacy - I’m not good enough for him, why would he even like me? i’m nothing compared to anybody else - it’s been pretty bad tbh. I was like this in uni and high school. for these feelings to come back now sucks. it sucks super hard. but he himself fills me with so much joy, and I hope that when I move to the city he is in, and we’re actually together, well i hope it’ll get better then.
i was doing good for these past few weeks actually. but for some reason it’s hit me again. ugh damn. job searching sucks, and it only gets me down. I think I want to leave here. as in soon. it’s no good for me feeling stuck here like I used to in this all-too-familiar town. i want to walk down new streets getting lost. I want to ride trains again. i don’t want to leave my bff though. ugh janine, I’m going to kidnap you dude, come with meeeee!!!!?!
basically these days, i’m a big ball of emotions that’s bouncing all over the place. it’s exhausting and sometimes nauseating. even right now, i’m forcing my lunch down my throat because i haven’t eaten since yesterday lunch time, though i feel like a want to throw it right up again. i hate that this is happening to me. i feel weak. and it’s pretty much the first time since december 2012 that i haven’t had a plane ticket in my pocket.
Last night was officially the last night I would spend in my apartment. And today I must pack up and move all of my things out.
It’s a very strange feeling, as I put away or throw out my possessions. One by one, I am erasing myself from this place. I am removing all traces of evidence that I even existed here. My memory is eradicated from this place. Was I even here at all? Unless you saw it with your own eyes, you’d never know.
Change and moving on are tough for me. Not because the new is scary and uncertain, but I mourn for what’s lost - what only remains in memories, and what we’ll never have a chance to happen again.
This room on the thirteenth floor was my home and my comfort place. And now I’m taking all signs of my presence away from it.